PT 1:

Today I decided I would be a good wife, two whole days of this, looks like it is getting to be a habit! But I had decided I'd been neglecting dear hubby and today I would devote a whole day to him, lucky devil isn't he!

So we spent the day doing what marrieds do. We walked and talked, we ate and laughed and for a while I remembered what being married was all about. It wasn't that I didn't want him, it was just that sometimes I wanted something different too. Cake and eat it comes to mind...

I adore the theatre, love the drama and the whole scene of it. I hadn't seen sleeping beauty yet, so I booked tickets, it was to be my surprise, and no it had nothing to do with guilt, I didn't feel any.

We arrived and I felt the excitement beginning to build up inside me. It felt good and natural to be here, for once I had no need of the thrill of danger, just the excitement of being here was enough.

We had a quick drink in the bar, then settled into our seats. The music began playing the introduction, the lights were just dimming, entranced I watched the first act, it was beautiful. Why didn't we do this more often I wondered! feeling safe and happy I settled into the magic of the ballet.

I can't be sure when I began to feel the first prickles of unease, but I steadily began to lose the thread of the show. I found myself looking around, it was dim so I couldn't make out why I felt uncomfortable. I went back to what was happening on the stage. Again I felt uneasy, this time it was a direct feeling and I found my attention drawn to one of the boxes.

A man sat watching me, well he appeared to be. He raised binoculars and stared not at the stage but at me. My eye sight is not the best, but I recognised those features. With shaking hands, I managed to find the coin and freed my own binoculars. If this was a film it would be romantic, the amazement I would have felt at seeing my lover looking directly at me, would have been sweet. But this was real life, and coincidences just didn't happen. But there he sat, smiling at me through those lens, leaving me feeling shaken and if I am honest- a little scared.

I barely saw the rest of the ballet, my mind doing cartwheels of frenzied fear, it knew it would soon be the interval and I had no idea what was going to happen...

PT 2:

So I missed the thread of the ballet but I was still caught up in its magic,  or perhaps the drama of it all added to the tension that was now tearing through me. Lights and people, the pent up noise that the interval brought, my hubby asking did I want a drink? all of this as a backdrop to the real question, was my lover going to cause trouble?

I said yes I did want a drink, a bottle couldn't quench the panic I was feeling, but a shot would go some way to calming it for a while. Jostling our way to the bar, I downed the vodka and tonic, and asked hubby to get me another. He laughed, saying you are going for it, but I just needed anaesthetizing.

I left him ordering the next drink, 20 min's wasn't really long enough, usually I thought it was too long. I scanned faces, backs of men with a similar build had me pausing for an unfelt composure. But as I made my way to the ladies, he was no where to be seen.

Coming from the ladies, feeling a little more relaxed and hoping he had satisfied what ever game he seemed to be playing.  I realised people were making their way back, i joined the crush of people, looking now for my hubby.

I was grabbed from behind, it seemed to be his favorite place! I heard his voice, felt his touch on my arms, and knew I wanted to melt, yet run as fast as I could. How did we end up in a stairway? Moments cast into time's ever expanding night, but then he was kissing me. Madness. And i forgot everything else.

It was mere seconds yet it seemed endless, he let me go. My hubby was waiting by the door into the theatre, I could tell he was worried, never did I drink a drink so fast. My head swum with the taste of my lover's kiss, and the bite of the alcohol. We made our way back to the seats, the lights were dimming, the music played the intro for the next act. I decided I would ignore the box, i was too afraid to look if truth be known. I leant into my hubby, his hand took mine and we settled down to watch the rest of the show.

PT 3:

My husband felt familiar beside me, his presence made me feel secure, his hand holding mine was sweet. I avoided the box, the binoculars remained unused. My coat lay across my lap, the brochure on top of that. I shuffled in my seat finding a comfortable place, and tried to relax. The lights dimmed and the music began playing the introduction to the next act.

I felt a slight impatience as someone slipped into the empty seat beside me, but I would have known the smell of the man anywhere, who now sat beside me. His body settled next to mine, his leg pressed against mine, his arm pressed into mine. I looked at him with disbelief wrote all over my face, he just carried on watching the show on the stage. I checked the box again to be certain that I wasn't mistaken, but it remained empty.

He smiled and handed me my programme, it had dropped to the floor at the shock of seeing him. My heart began to beat fast, my hubby feeling my discomfort asked was I alright? Seeing the man beside me he looked puzzled, sure that the seat should be empty, then shrugged and turned back to the front. Forcing myself to try and breathe, to follow the music, I stared straight ahead. Realised I was nearly strangling my hubby's hand, I loosened my hold on it.

Nothing happened for a while, I was almost caught up in dramatic part of the show, when I felt a hand on my knee- under my coat and it wasn't my husband's. Placing my hand on top of my coat, I followed his hand as it moved slowly up my thigh. My legs clamped together, I heard him laugh quietly, but at least his hand stilled.

He didn't say or do anything else, just left his hand on my thigh possessively. For a while I was sure the whole theatre knew, that my husband could see through my coat. But gradually I began to realise, this was as far as he was going to go. No good me suffering from nervous-exhaustion. I may as well enjoy the rest of the ballet.

To say the show was magical would have been an understatement! I breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of the two men who meant the world to me- and decided the fear wasn't worth the feeling. I held my husband's hand at one side, felt the warmth of my lover's hand at the other side, and sat back and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the show.

I have no idea where the time seems to go, but always I find myself drawn back to my computer. I have had no contact with my lover since our blasphemous tryst. You could say I am being as I should be, the good wife. I gave up long ago trying to be the perfect wife, and so here I am inbetween bouts of selective amnesia and a wild urge in me to be bad!

My domestic duties bore me, and dreams of a lottery win to enable me to afford a cleaner are just that dreams, considering I never even buy lottery tickets, it will remain a dream. My family do not seem to need me anymore and so I guess I am reliving my youth, though I never really had one of those either, but that is a whole new story.

Outside it is raining, and darkness has its grip on the day, nighttime my favorite time, and soon I know you will be here. Your demands get more outrageous and so I am keeping a low profile. Perhaps I will never take up bun making, but when the heat I feel from my gorgeous lover, feeds the fuel for the bedroom, who really cares about the kitchen, especially when there are so many pre-cooked or prepared meals around. I do find it amusing that my husband never complains when I place before him a lovingly- microwaved meal, when it is served in an apron and nothing else!

Cyber loving has its place, it is fun, passes those hours when reading or TV just aren't enough, but now I am beginning to find out what it is like when you take the passion and heat from words and place it firmly in reality.

PT1:

Life was great, I reveled in my freedom though I was in fact far from free, not if I believed in what the wedding ring was supposed to signify. But after 20 years of marriage, being the good wife and mother was a tad boring. So I was living my life to its limit and enjoying every moment of it.

I doubt my hubby believed the alibi from my night away, but I did get a lecture about safety, alcohol, and unnecessary worry. I listened with half an ear,

" Yes darling, no darling..." My mind on more important things such as a man to ravage!

He was there as I knew he would be, today we were- hmm I had no idea what! But I looked gorgeous, my skin glowed, my hair shone, my new slim figure tantalised any man who saw me. My confidence was sky-high and I felt like I owned the world.

He kissed me, for a moment I hesitated, this was the middle of town and I could be seen, but my lover demanded that I acknowledge him. This could be getting a little troublesome. So I kissed him back, how could I resist.

"So where are we going?" I asked, wanting to feel the heat of him, to undress him, to be naked with him. " back to your place? " I asked hopefully.

He was smiling and I knew he was up to something, could tell by the way he was acting. " No, somewhere you haven't been in years " he said, and I could tell that I wasn't going to drag anything else from him.

"You have got to be joking" my face was as shocked as the sound of my voice.

"No, you said it was my turn and so here we are" he said.

He had the face of an angel and he looked so innocent, but those blue eyes of his shone with wicked, suppressed mirth. Perfectly expressionless, he took my hand "Come on, you know you can't say no, anywhere I want, you said, so no backing out"

What could I do, I had dug my own grave, and here we were about to walk all over them! He held my hand as he opened the Cathedral door, reluctantly I followed him.

PT2:  Inside towering solid, stone walls reached up to the heavens, meeting in beautiful stone and wooden arches, it was awesome. But it was also a place of solemn spirituality. It was wrong that we were here, but I walked on. We stood before the first stained glass window, it depicted images that I dare not make out, but found my eyes searching them. Just as we were about to move on the sun shone, bathing us both in jewel, coloured bright light.

I dropped his hand and walked towards the place where candles could be lit. I lit one, perhaps subconsciously for my own soul, then was about to light another when I noticed he was using his phone.

" What are you doing? " my words whispered as though it made the sin less so.

" I was just switching it off, don't want it ringing in here " his reply seemed sincere, and I had no reason to doubt him.

" Have you seen enough, can we go now? " I was nervous here, and was feeling uncomfortable.

" Just a little longer, I wanted to be somewhere quiet with you " he replied.

And so I walked down the isles with him following behind me. It felt deliciously wicked, the teachings of my young years about religion echoing in my mind, but I couldn't back out now. Excitement was overcoming the wrongness of this.

I stopped before a statue of the Madonna and child, there was something about sculptured stone that made you want to touch its smoothness, feel the skill of the sculptor. And so now I was reminded that not only was I once married in a place such as this, but that I was a mother too. I didn't understand his reasons for bringing me here.

We carried on, the atmosphere of this place instilling a quietness in me, calming the raging fires that usually burned within me. Turning those wicked thoughts to a peaceful serenity. We finished in a private chapel dedicated to some person from centuries ago. Paneled in wood it was beautiful, a tapestry showing a scene of knights in battle, the heavens above showing Christ's saving grace. It wasn't hard to depict what it was about.

My breathing slowed, his too. We sat there for a while, not really saying much just taking in the moment. His hand rested on my knee, I felt the electricity pour from his fingers into the muscles of my leg, felt its warmth spreading, I didn't wait to see if it would begin exploring.

" Time to go " I jumped up, and made to walk towards the entrance. But he stopped me.

" One more thing I want to show you " I followed him out through a side door, I hadn't even realised it was there. We found ourselves in a garden, it had a bench in a small niche. The walls joined and it formed a secluded small square, the open end hidden by evergreen shrubs and bushes. I went to read the inscribed stone, when I felt him behind me. I didn't move, just carried on reading. But I felt his breathing on my neck as he removed my scarf, pulling it slowly from my neck.

PT 3 :

Enough I thought, not here! 

I went to turn but he pushed against me, catching my hands, pressing me into the corner. Cold stone pressed against me, hard against my soft cheek. I got one hand free, put it against the wall to try and push myself away from it. But he pressed harder, feeling trapped, feeling every inch of his body firm against me, his body holding one hand, he stretched the other high against the wall, pulling my glove off.

The feelings of arousal were waking. I didn't want to, not here, we might be seen. I felt his other hand begin to explore my back, then further down, the caress hard and urgent as they found a way under my coat, then down my skirt. Heat and cold, it was so erotic and I felt my resistance slipping as I pushed back into his exploring hand. He turned me around, taking my naked hand he held it against himself, pressing the palm flat against his hardness. He then kissed me, softly and gently. His hands now holding my head, he pulled away, gently he touched the single tear that lay under my eye. Others resisting the urge to pour down my face. Then he held me close. For a while we stayed like that, hidden away it seemed from the world, from the busy city that I knew lay beyond that outer wall.

Reluctantly, not wanting to lose the moment, I went with him when he suggested a coffee. Wrapped my scarf around my neck, though the sun shone, it was still cold, then my gloves. The walk was short yet I had a need to wrap up. Passing the pub, he changed his mind and said, " I need a beer, how about you? "

It didn't take much persuasion, I did indeed need a beer, in fact I had two. It was while I was drinking the second that I noticed something odd about my other hand. The usual glint of gold was no longer there. Instead an empty ring of white indented my finger.

" Oh god, my ring! "

Panic drained any sense from me as I began to search for it. He calmed me down, or at least made me stop and think rationally.

" It's probably in the garden, stop panicking, we will find it " He said. 

Together we went back to the garden we had just left, though we searched we couldn't find it. I sat slumped on the bench, how could I go home without my wedding ring. I knew I had lost weight and it had been a little loose, but it had never done this before. I had no idea how I was going to explain this.

" It was a plain gold band, I know it's not ideal, but we could get you another one, then no one would notice it was gone " blue eyes looked deep into mine as he spoke softly. " One last look and then we hit the jewelers.

We retraced our steps, but didn't find it. The rings looked too new, too bright in the shop window. Mine had been worn for 20 years, so we looked in the second hand part. Plain Gold bands were plentiful there, so we went inside. I was lucky, one fitted and so he bought it.

" I know it's not the original, but only you and I will know that " he drove me home as he spoke, trying to reassure me, but he couldn't wipe away the anguish I felt. It was the last vestige of my marriage that had been wiped away, and no one could see that it had. But I knew.

Now at home sitting at the kitchen table, I pulled the ring from my finger, in another house in another town, my lover sat at his table holding a gold wedding band in his hands. I looked at the inner band, as he did. On mine nothing was wrote. On the one he held, the words-I love you always was engraved into the fine gold, time had worn it, but it was still readable.  He looked at the photograph of me lighting the candle and smiled, he would print it later, and he still had the tape to edit too.

Perhaps my loving of life was becoming too dangerous, but these dares were strangely addictive. i couldn't stop now.

I pushed the ring back onto my finger, no time to sit regretting, I had a meal to cook, dinner for 4 and no time to sit here, what was done was done.

I had to get up eventually but then so did you, "it's ok I can skip work if I want", your voice husky as it whispered the words to me.

You pulled me closer, almost stopping me from breathing as you held me tight, " it's not often I have a morning like this, work can wait"

But I had to face things sometime, might as well be now. My body ached from the hot and rough sex we had shared, and I was sure yours did too. You wouldn't forget me too soon, it hadn't been the time for romantic lovemaking, perhaps that would be next time I thought as I tore myself from your arms. If I survived this.

I stood under the shower now, hot water soothing my aching muscles, christ I ached in places I hadn't felt in years. Washing my lover from me was part of the separation that I had to do. Now I had to try and fit my wife's hat on, be good again! I still hadn't thought of an excuse. But I would.

I looked less like a leading lady from the local brothel now and more like Mrs Respectable, I was drinking a cup of tea, my stomach couldn't face food but I shoved a slice of toast down. My brain was at last kicking into gear. My loverman was showering, a part of me imagined sneaking in there and... pull yourself together I mentally shouted at myself! Think!

My phone, of course messages? calls? where had I put my bag?

It lay on the sofa, my phone had messages and missed calls. I could hear the sound of loverman walking about upstairs, so I checked my voicemail. The first voice message was from my husband, asking what time I was coming home. The second was my friend. The messages said the same thing, where was I? My friend said she had told him I had gone back to her's and we had carried on drinking, I was in a drunken stupor, so I had bedded down there.

Was it so simple I thought, but yes it was. My husband believed us. It was something we had done before. I rung my friend, she was spitting mad at me, worried too, and told me I owed her for the next 30 years. I kissed my lover, pulled away from those wandering hands and left to get into the taxi.

We had made no arrangements, I would meet him when I wanted to, that was how I played it. It was important not to lose the control. How had I let it get this far, I didn't care, I was enjoying things too much to worry. The radio played in the taxi, I smiled as it played one of the songs from last night. I recalled a pair of gorgeous eyes and wondered could I manage 3 men in my life? I looked in my bag, searched for it, checked my pockets, nothing, no card! Oh well, two would have to do, but I did sigh with regret as the car drove into my drive.

My lover stood in the bedroom, looking at the bed, his mind on the night before and the morning. He held two objects in his hand, one a small video cassette, the other the card from the man with the gorgeous eyes. He placed the recording back into the player, he would edit it later, but for now he watched the man and women play out the evening's sexual exploits. While he tore the card into tiny pieces.

PT 1: THE GOOD WIFE- DAY INTO NIGHT (A CHALLENGE)

We took the time at last to absorb what we were feeling. I usually like dark nights, and cosy fires, romance to sweep me away. But today I stood before you under the bright of the day, felt the rays of the sun and knew it was real. But my challenge stood before me. Turn day into night!

No where to hide, my looks of pretend coy didn't work, my eyes told the real story. They watched you and knew you watched me back.

"This is heavy" my voice barely penetrating the atmosphere. But you still stood and waited.

"We have all day, so why rush" your answer a sweet hush that I wanted to wrap around me.

We began to walk, people passed by us, did they not see our closeness? it was strange that our relationship was now being played in public. No more what ifs? or supposes. Just two people walking, during a normal day. What did people do on dates nowadays I wondered? It was sweet, it was tender this feeling of taking the time to be together. No agenda, no hidden means, we had already conquered those.

We had a need to be close, but how? my mind scattered back to years ago when I was a feisty teenager, intoxicated with the endorphins of youth, and tipsy with alcohol. The days when I had nearly all but had sex in the nightclub, kissed passionately in parks, hands fumbled and didn't care who watched. Now I was respectable, so was he. We were older too, could we do those things of yesteryear. I didn't really want to visit a nightclub to see, but I did want to kiss you passionately.

It was twaddle that we would just walk, some kind of Victorian romance, where I would blush sweetly and you would gently kiss my hand. No the image was gorgeous. But I was a child of the 70's we kissed passionately, mouth, lips, tongue, and didn't give a damn who saw.

I almost tripped up at the simplicity of the solution.

You queried, with decadent and debauched lust upon your face "a hotel?"

No, I laughed. Infidelities favorite or should I say second favorite place. I just knew were we could be in the day, and feel the heat of night. Come on, it's not far. I took your hand tighter pulling you along, laughing at your pretended stubbornness to move. I faced you again, looked deep into your eyes and while I traced a hand across my lips, I breathed deep as I took it down my neck, and let it linger ever so slowly at the top of my breasts. I breathed deeply and laughed as you nearly leapt on me there and then, in the middle of the street.

"Come on", this time you followed me. It had been so easy, so little teasing needed. But then I was as aroused as you. An hour snatched, is the equivalent of a a whole day, when the minutes count so much.

We stood outside the local cinema multiplex. "My challenge complete" I said. The film didn't matter we wouldn't be watching it. During the afternoon, a boring film equals a nearly empty room. We didn't bother with popcorn, we could be popping our own soon enough. I had managed to turn day into night, and to turn myself back to a time, when I didn't actually care about movies.

PT 2: A NIGHT TO REMEMBER

I wanted a night to remember and I was going to get it. We had had our day, we turned daylight into the darkness of night. Now I wanted to be swallowed into music, to feel young, no not young but to feel alive. I wanted to remember this night for always. My head was filled with imagined trysts with you, but they lived in the land of dreams. For now I wanted to feel the beat of night. I wanted to have fun.

We met, you were there waiting as I knew you would be. We met in the pub at the edge of town, it was nearly empty, so we nestled together, tasting the awakening of what was to come. Laughter filled the hour we spent, what did we find to talk about, anything , nothing, alcohol making us silly. My phone beeped it message at me. I really didn't want to tear myself away from this moment, but I knew I had to.

Opening it, I knew it was from my friends, the three of us had planned a girly night out. No men allowed. It was years since I had been on one. I was rusty but not so bad that I had forgotten how to have a good time.

"Don't go, stay a little longer" you tortured me so. I leaned to you kissing you lightly,

"I have to go, you know it's been planned for ages" my voice determined, not to be swayed by your usual persuasive words. I picked my glass up and drained it dry, picked up my bag and left you. I didn't look back, couldn't have.

It was around 9 oclock and the club was packed. Busy night, and the drinks were cheap, so yes I was on my way to becoming drunk. The music found its way into my soul and I had to dance, and so we attacked the dance floor. God I felt old, how did you dance? time had robbed me of the moves, but alcohol helped bring them back. I felt the beat and went with it. Heat, music, fun, and gorgeous men.

"erm where did the gorgeous men, come into it" my friend asked. "Don't you think two are enough?"

"ohh no", I said. The man with the gorgeous eyes was now making his way towards me. Did I give him encouragement? no, oh ok, of course I did. The music was fast, I was lost in the movement of it. Body caught in its fire, gorgeous eyes was now dancing with me. He moved good, in fact he moved fine! He devoured me with his eyes alone.

I knew I'd had too much to drink, long time teetototal, but now I wanted release from pent up passions, and suddenly I wanted him. I didn't want to know his name, I didn't want to see him again, but I wanted to know him for that night. I felt the message tone of phone, my lover again. Ignoring it, I turned back to the man with gorgeous eyes. He had a drink for me and one for him. My friends chatted to men of their own. Taking it, I hesitated, looked at him and then the drink. Times had changed and I knew it was dangerous, he sensed this and said I will taste them both. I still looked, then  he laughed, took my hand and led me to the bar, ordered another and gave it to me.

I wasn't that drunk, shame I wish I was, but I drunk his drink, then the next and the next. I kissed him and felt transported back to a place where inhibitions hadn't existed. I wavered, I wanted to leave with him, but common sense took over. Perhaps I had reached the point where drunkenness turns to sobriety. He placed his card in my hand. I kissed him once again then left. I waved a final goodbye to my friends, they both were still caught up in the night. Mine wasn't over yet though.

I walked out of the club, my lover waited there. Hadn't I said I wanted a night to remember. Well the night was still young. I held the card for a minute, was going to throw it away. Then I recalled a pair of gorgeous eyes and  a kiss like melting, velvet chocolate and slipped it into my handbag instead. Then I went with my lover and had the night I was to remember for the rest of my life.

Pt 3: DAYLIGHT SHOCK

I woke up, sunshine had penetrated my dreams pulling me from their gorgeous teasing. Ah, I sighed as I remembered those gorgeous eyes, then as the familiarity of the room began to filter into my sight, I jumped up with a start; held my aching head as it began to pound viciously, swallowed the nausea of last night's alcohol and groaned as I realised where I was.

Christ what time was it? Daylight, panic setting in now as I felt my naked body and wondered what had I done with my clothes? The gentle snoring of the man beside me was a man I loved (and how we had loved ), but not the man I was married to! hell I was in trouble now. He stirred as I jumped out of the bed. The harsh light of day reminding me I had passed the whole night here and how was I going to explain this. Underwear was easy, it lay tossed carelessly on the floor by the bed, the rest I had no idea where it was.

"What time is it? your still here, so you might as well come back and give me a cuddle" my lover sleepily smiled at me, a funny look of lust and half wakefulness. Oh he was adorable, his grin melted me everytime, but I couldn't stay, I had to get home quick. It was now 7 oclock and my husband would be up and getting ready for work. I was in trouble and had to see if I could somehow work out a realistic excuse for why I was not in my own bed, and hadn't been all night!

Your smile again, your body- oh so tempting, as you pulled the cover down and waited for me. The shocking thrill of morning sex, something I hadn't done in years. My argument against staying, melting away as each second ticked by.

Oh well, I felt strangely immature, like a rebelling adolescent. Sod it, if I was going to be hung for a misdemeanor, I may as well be hung for a real crime. So Inspite of my raging hang-over, and the trouble i faced,  i dropped my underwear back onto the floor, and crawled into those waiting , warm and seductive arms.

A new year and a new attitude to all that is within my life. No new years resolutions, no promises made to myself of achievements that I know will never happen. Just a decision to focus on the positive in life.

I have been undecided in what area to take my space, in fact I was going to restart my blog from today, but found it would be too difficult to just delete everything, it is strange how attached to words you can get. These entries may be negative, bad, or show too much that is me, but I am unable to press the delete button.

I read an interesting article about job interviews, what to do that is good and what not to do. An editor mentioned blogs, or my space and how it showed the writers of them, in a bad light. It actually influenced her not to interview anyone from the spaces she read. It would certainly make me think twice about using my own blog marie's journal, as anything other than a place to air my thoughts. Pleasure and a place to rant, or rave, rather than a place for more professional means.

So it is with an openness that I embrace the year's beginning, and a slow burning excitement at what will be...