obsession:something or someone that you think about all the time:an unhealthy obsession with death.
her chocolate obsession. He's always wanted to find his natural mother but recently it's become an obsession.

It had begun as a normal relationship, from friendship, to lover, to beloved. I hadn't noticed when he had started to change. Blindly I lived on in my own little world. Until the day he said we were over.

It's hard to describe how that felt, but it ended my world as I knew it. My life revolved around him, my days and nights were planned around what he wanted. I didn't see it as suffocation, to me it was devotion. Wasn't that what everyone wanted?

Instead of getting on with my life and finding something, if not someone new to fill the gap, I carried on as though he was still the center of my life. I bored my friends stupid talking about him, I hadn't cried, because I hadn't accepted that it was over.

But things can happen in a blink of an eye. One minute I was shopping for a shirt that I knew he would love- when we got back together again. The next I was in pieces, stood holding a shirt in a guy's shop, watching him and her together. It was official, it was over.

Damn him, he hadn't even noticed me...

Time passed, I heard today they were engaged.

My friend told me today they were married.

To everyone I pretended I was fine, I wasn't. When had my love turned to hate I don't know, but I think perhaps when I found out he had given her my ring. I did try and get on with living, I dated, went on holidays, celebrated birthday and xmas. But inside I was in pieces. I dreamt about us, I couldn't move on because I couldn't leave him behind.

A friend found his photograph in my purse today. We argued, she said I was obsessed and that I needed help. How dare she say that! She is no longer my friend.

I couldn't believe it, I am so happy. I swear there are angels and harps, and violins serenading me as I walk 10 feet above the floor, my head encased in cupid's clouds. I walked into a bar and he was there, we talked. He was dreadfully unhappy, his marriage was in trouble. He couldn't believe how lucky he was, that we were still friends! How could I hate him now.

I met him tonight, we had dinner and he asked if I was with anyone. I said I'd been engaged but it hadn't worked out, all lies of course, it was just too hard to admit that I was still in love with him. We ended up back at my place. I had removed the shrine to him, that had been there until earlier today...

I closed the door and locked it after him.

I looked at the things before me, all an illusion. Photographs, cards, presents to him that still awaited opening. Three years of my life, and I didn't feature anywhere in it. I felt something crack within me. Something tore, I was blind to the tears that poured down my face. I gathered everything and piled it in the sink. The clothes and presents I just put in the bin. I took a match and lit the cards and paper- remnants of my obsession. As the flames consumed the paper, so my feelings for him finally flowed from my heart.

I didn't know how to tell him that I could no longer see him, but if I was to move on then I had to...

He rang me today, didn't even meet me to tell me that he was very sorry  he'd seduced me. But he was still in love with his wife. I could hear the fear in his voice, he feared me. He had good reason to. Once again he had discarded me, after using me. But I just cut the phone call off and silenced his voice for good. Though I was no longer obsessed, I felt a far darker emotion take hold of my heart.

infatuated: having a very strong but not usually lasting feeling of love or attraction for someone or something: She was infatuated with her boss.

So she was here again, I breathed a sigh of relief and began to relax at last. She sat in front of me on the bus, all I had to do was move my hand and I could touch her hair. I was tempted! but didn't, that would have been a step too far.

At first I just wanted to look like her, she was quirky in a fashionable way. Her clothes seemed thrown together, but somehow they worked. She was an in girl, while I always seemed to be on the outside. She was pretty, but then so was I, so it wasn't that I felt inferior or was jealous, I just wanted to style myself on her.

It wasn't that I was even that way inclined, but something about her drew her to my attention. At first I just thought I was people watching, my usual way to pass the time on this daily route to work. But the day when she wasn't there, I found myself crushingly disappointed.

Today the seat was empty beside her, so I took it. She was reading a magazine, it was at the horoscopes page, and so I sneaked a look. I did not try to look at her, I think I would have fainted. She caught me and smiled and lowered the page, saying 'I hope your's is better than mine, Pisces are in for a rough day' I said- I was Aquarius and it looked like it was going to be bad for me too, looks like the heavens have it in for water signs. She laughed, I joined in, though I thought oh god, I hope they are both water signs!

It wasn't long before we were saving seats, and walking to work from the bus station. It seemed we both worked in retail. She in a trendy fashion store, while I stocked shelves in the local supermarket. We were becoming friends. But I couldn't shake these strange feelings I had for her. Part of me wanted to be a girl-friend, while a separate part wanted to be a girlfriend in every sense of the way.

It was becoming a problem, I hated that she had a boyfriend and I ignored mine so much he dumped me. So I began to leave earlier, avoiding her as much as I could. I was confused and I knew she was feeling hurt at my ignoring her.

It was inevitable that she would turn up at my house. Upset and a bit angry, wanting to know what was wrong. So I told her. She was shocked, silent and embarrassed. But not half as much as I was. 'I need a drink, you got any wine?' was all she said.  I didn't so she left.

And I thought that was that. But no, she came back days later, very upset. She thought she had feelings for me too. This time I did have wine and It fed our bravery. We fumbled our way through an attempt at love making, sex- call it what ever you will. It was ok, not earth shattering. But damn it, if she didn't turn round and say, she thought she was in love with me. I think I felt the same way too. We snuggled, cuddled and fell asleep.

Next morning, we caught the bus together and arranged to meet and come back to my place after work. And so my infatuation became more than that... I became we.

Time passed and we found ourselves following the same old routine- bus, work then home. But one day we had to stand, no seats left. Someone bumped into me, I turned and looked straight into a pair of gorgeous blue eyes. The moment passed and that was that.

A succession of days, my attraction to him was growing. He sat in front of us on the bus and I thought, if I just reach up I can touch his neck, my breathing quickened and I didn't hear a word she said to me. All I could think of was him, and his chest and those thighs, and oh that smile. And if he stopped getting on the bus I would surely die. If I didn't know better I would say I was becoming infatuated with him...

Another word- transition: a change from one form or type to another, or the process by which this happens.

It all began a month ago, so why was I seeking thrills? Who doesn't, well anyone who is alive does. I wanted to take my pick, to be able to choose before I got too old. Divorced and free at last, I wanted to experience all those things I had missed out on. So after a time spent readjusting to my new life, I took myself off on holiday, did the usual stuff-explored places I hadn't even known existed, I tasted life and was loving it, but wanted more.

He picked me up, but then I had also checked him out too. He was mysterious, dangerous and exciting. In a few weeks I would be back home, then I could be sensible, for now I wanted something different. So I went with him.

How can I explain- how it felt, this wildness, this tasting of forbidden fruit, it was intoxicating. And I was naive, new to living in this way, so I ate it up and begged for more.

Gradually I used all the cash I had with me. It was as simple as that, I woke up next to him one day and realised I was stone broke. Thank god, ha imagine me saying that now. But at least I had my ticket home. I was beginning to pall of this licentious living, too much of a good thing-is too much.

I looked in the mirror and barely recognised myself, time to pack. I took a cold shower, tried to wash some of the languid heat of this place, from my body.  I felt jaded but looked alive at least. The bedroom was empty, strange that he was up! Oh well, it made it easier to leave, at least I didn't have to say goodbye. I found my bag, pushed my few clothes and toiletries into it. Then picked my handbag up, checked for my purse. Maybe that was when I first felt panic. It wasn't there. The wallet containing my passport, and plane ticket was also missing.

To say my world came crashing down that day, would be an understatement.

Locked doors, the realisation that I was alone in a foreign country without money or documents. I knew the honeymoon was over.

The rest is clear in places, blurred in others. Men speaking in a language I didn't know, speaking over me. Dragged into a car, struck when I protested. Fear, pain and the unknown. It wasn't hard to work out when I saw the house I was dragged into. This was a house run by women for men. I refused, tried to leave, begged, pleaded.

Life hit me that day. They say it will soon become something I am so used to, that I won't hate it as much. Play their game and I may even benefit from it. Now I sit at my dressing table, applying makeup-applying my new face. Dressed, well in hardly anything- clothes were not needed here.

It's hard to believe that a year ago, I had been cloistered in a nunnery. Now I earned my freedom in a brothel. Sold and with no god to pray to, was an excommunicated nun allowed hope. My transition from saint to sinner was complete.

 A new word, Inspiration: someone or something that gives you ideas for doing something:
The golden autumn light provided the inspiration for the painting

I had no idea what was wrong with me but was too lethargic to try and find out. My family kept on at me, until I did the obligatory visit to the doctor. He asked a few questions, said I was depressed and wrote me a prescription for anti-depressants. I was out of the surgery in five minutes, on the way past the bin I dropped the prescription into it. I knew what depression was, and I knew I didn't have it, so what was wrong with me?

I took a detour on my way home from the docs and walked through the local park. I knew there was nothing wrong me, I was just bored. I loved my family, my home, in fact most of what was in my life, I just felt that something was lacking. I sat on a bench watching the world go by. Young mothers with toddlers, elderly people stretching their legs, and me. To my left something distracted me from my people watching, a young man sat down beside me.

Just as I was expecting my peace to ruined by him, a cloud came over the sun and seemed to pull all the warmth from the day. The sky changed from clear blue, to grey, a slight wind picked fallen leaves up, scattering them where ever the mood took it. The park began to empty.

Rain began to fall, the thirsty earth drinking it up as soon as it hit. I ignored the young man to my left and stood up. A pleasant interlude, but moods didn't change that quickly, I sighed deeply. Pulling my hood to cover my hair I turned to go home. The young man stood and smiled at me, someone it seemed had remembered his manners. The he began to walk ahead of me, carrying a large folder. Before we even got half way out of the park, the heavens opened.

It was the park shelter and wait it out- or get soaked walking home. He went into the shelter, his warm smile inviting me inside it too. Suddenly I didn't want to go home. He said, 'this is great, I love the rain' and suddenly he was opening his folder and taking his sketch pad from it. Before long His hands were black smudged. I sat down and watched fascinated, as he sketched the rain, sodden park displayed before us.

Some of his other work rested on the bench, I saw he had been drawing people in the sunny park. It was nice, very good in fact. There was no doubt he appeared talented. But the sketch he was now creating was magnificent. It was building as I watched, full of dark and light, and passion and drama. I envied him.

We sat there for ages, at times he stood and watched the rain as it behaved on the earth. Others he was lost in concentration. The rain stopped, he sighed and sat beside me. I realised I held his other work. It seemed so intimate as I looked at the scenes on paper, and I was very embarrassed as I handed them back to him. I asked could I look at his rain sketch, I was mesmerised by it. We talked some more, but I knew I had to go home, though for the first time in ages I felt something other than emptiness. I hesitated in handing him his sketch back, so he smiled and said keep it if you like it.

I never saw him again, he was a very, young man, probably at art college and me a middle aged woman. But that picture and that man's passion for his art, woke something up in me, and I became inspired to try something new in my life. Something that would give me the same depth of emotion- the way the rain had inspired his creation. If I find myself sinking into that black feeling again I have only to look at the rain upon my wall.

I had no idea what to write about today so I asked a friend, and so began a game on word play. We swapped words and ended up with the word speculation.

I think of speculation and I think of money making, deals upon deals or the gold rush etc. Either way it brings to mind, guessing and so I begin my guessing game.

I really didn't want to be here but sometimes life gives us no choices in the things we choose to do. I had begun this and now I had to finish it. But damned if everything wasn't going wrong. I don't believe in fate, but surely something was stopping me taking these steps today. But I believed in taking my life into my own hands, and shaping it as I wished it to be.

My car wouldn't start, that was the beginning. Then I had no change for the bus and the bus driver turned out to be awkward and was throwing me off it, until someone kindly offered to change my £5 note. So now I sat here trying to disappear amidst the unfamiliar faces, while the bus carried on its journey-towards my destiny.

I had a short while to get my thoughts into some kind of order, but the old lady beside me decided she wanted to talk. I answered her, rather abruptly and then looked out of the window beside me. She sighed and fell into silence. Before she could start talking again, I switched my I-pod on, effectively isolating myself.  Now I had to decide what to say, and what his reaction would be!

I found myself being lulled by the travelling, not having to concentrate on driving was nice for a change. And my mind began drifting over the past few months. A smile took over my face, I felt the glow that always filled me when I made this journey. But as all things, my smile was tinged with the realisation that today was different.

My i-pod was on shuffle, or else I would never have played that song. The bus was nearly pulling into the bus station, as I listened to the song and remembered the last time I had heard it, I didn't notice the tear slowly sliding down my cheek. My heart was heavy, though my mind twisted and turned at what I was going to say, and how you would reply. Though I had given you everything, and you had given me nothing, I knew or hoped that you would beg me to stay.

The bus pulled into its station, I switched my music off and hadn't even noticed I had wept a silent tear, until the old lady said ' everything will be alright, nothing's as sad as it seems.' Then she was gone, and It was time I left the bus too.

Now I was here, I realised that I was sure you wouldn't create a scene. Though I had tried to guess every which way you would respond or react, I hadn't thought that maybe you would also have something to tell me. I hadn't thought that as you had come to meet me, you had been unsure of my answer and the ring in your pocket was as much a game of chance, as had been my ending my relationship with you.

How did it end, well I will leave you to speculate on the outcome...

Life is strange sometimes, today I spent the day with my daughter and found it very surreal. She got engaged on Christmas day. I haven't stopped to catch my breath yet, at the news. It seems like yesterday when life was so dark for her, that it was hard to imagine her being grown up, never mind thinking of marriage.

But sat with her and feeling the happy, if a little scared, vibes radiating from her while browsing wedding sites was decidedly surreal. Yes we were looking at wedding dresses, and I have to say I went all soppy.

New year 2000, I held her as we watched the fireworks from the balcony of our previous house. She said to me "what hope is there for me mum?" I answered her with" there is always hope, you sometimes just don't see it" That night I didn't tell her that I didn't believe my own words, they were merely said to comfort her. Now I think I can finally begin to believe them myself.

I think 2008 is going to be a good year, in fact it's going to be a great year...

The engagement party is in a month, the wedding still ages off- the summer of 2009. Tomorrow I go back to slimming class, I now how a positive goal to aim for. It's funny how life can turn a corner and you can go from darkness to light, I feel that thrill that expectation and anticipation can bring. My daughter is not the only one that is looking forward to what life will bring.

I have been lazy over the Christmas season with my blog and I am still feeling lazy. So though I am writing an entry I have no idea what to write about...

Ok I could go on about how I am at the moment brainwashing myself with Michael Buble's new album-Call me Irresponsible.

I am loving his song Lost & Me and Mrs Jones (the old Billy Paul song, at least I think that's who it was by) but I have to say the words from "I'm Your Man"  Are playing with my emotions and stirring all kinds of thoughts up in me. I think they should be the test that every man should pass, in order to be a woman's lover :)

"I'm Your Man" 

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me too
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
And If you want a partner take my hand
And If you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man

And if you want boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a Doctor
I'll examine every inch of you
And if you want a driver climb inside
And if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
Cause I'm your man

Ah the moons too bright
The chains too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running thru these promises to you
That I made and could not keep
but a man has never got a woman back
not by begging on his Knees

I've crawled to you baby
And I've followed your feet
I've howled at your beauty like a dog in heat

I've called at your heart
And I tear at your sheet
Cause I'm your man

And if you got to sleep a moment on the road
I will steer for you

And if you want to work this week alone
I'll disappear for you

And if you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Cross the sands
Well I'm your man

Ah the moons too bright
The chains too tight
The beast wont go to sleep
I've been running thru these promises to you
That I made and could not keep
But a man has never got a woman back not by begging on his Knees

I've crawled to you baby
and I've followed your feet
I've howled at your beauty like a dog in heat
I've called at your heart
And I tear at your sheets

Cause I'm your man
I'm your man

[these lyrics are found on http://www.songlyrics.com]

So you can guess some of what Santa brought me for xmas. Well it's one of the toys I got. Tomorrow I will introduce you to some of the others... But for now, I am imagining what it would be like to have a man howl at my beauty like a dog in heat ;) Or just what is the beast that won't sleep?