There is really not a lot to say, other than to wish everyone,

A Happy Christmas and a fantastic New Year. And that the year 2007 is fabulous for all.

I hope everyone gets all they want from Santa. I am sure that all the wishes of everyone has been duly noted by the boss, and hopefully all will be granted.

Seasons greetings to all X

( My secret is out now, no good trying to hide behind my tassel. Being one of Santa's helpers is hard work, that could explain the dark circles, or maybe I have just been dipping my pom-pom in too much xmas spirit lol.)

Soon be the big day and i really don't have anything to get stressed about, but i feel i must be, there has to be something i have forgotten, but i know there isn't. I just keep picking up everybody elses vibes! I was positvely neurotic at my mother's yesterday, getting hysterical, but then said- me stressed, need to calm down ? noo.

Well for a house of tee-totallers, we have managed to gather 4 bottles of red wine and 2 bottles of grouse whiskey, shudder, shudder i hate whisky. We still have the bottle of white wine from last xmas, wonder if it will still be fit lol. So if i get those pre-xmas jitters, perhaps i should just hit the bottle. Then i will be drunken blogging, as opposed to my usual neurotically, stressed blogs.

There you are, I was looking for you. Smiling now because I have found you, I embrace you, this feeling is good. I start to talk, words pouring out, I am excited now I am here with you. You smile back, open your mouth, start to say something but give up and let me carry on. The build of my day pours over you, until I run out of steam.

' You are not listening' I shove you, laughing as you pretend to topple over.

' would I dare- to not listen' you say the words, but the smile belies the sarcasm. We sit beside each other, I notice you are eating. Nosily I eye the bag, pluck some crisps from within and greedily eat them, taking more.

' at last you have stopped for air, only to eat my crisps, not only are you a gas-bag, but your a greedy-guts too' You say without so much as a smirk on your face, or a twinkle in your eye. Poker faced you wait for the reaction, you know you will get.

Ah ha- I don't give it, instead I grab your crisp bag and move away quickly. Stuffing a handful in my mouth, I stand before you, the bag hid behind my back.

We carry on like this, the game passing backwards and forwards, you win, then I win. It is simply fun and I don't want to leave. Looking at my watch, I think another half an hour! and so we carry on, talking and laughing, eating, drinking. I feel as though I am 16 again, flushed with teen love. You make me feel alive, it seems as though we both are rejuvenated when we connect.

Ah hour passes, evening has cast it's net over the daylight. It's romantic, so we decide to walk. You take my bag, it isn't really heavy, but I let you. We have grown more serious now. A light breeze moves us, the crisps didn't fill much of a gap. But love feeds most hungers. We both should be home now. But are loath to part.

' Lets run away'  You say into the silence.

I burst out laughing at your words.

' Oh yes, lets, shall we catch the next rocket to the moon' I am still laughing as I answer you. But you are serious. You don't join in, I stop, you stopped walking with your words. Moonlight reflects back at me from your eyes. They shine with vibrancy, alive. I am speechless.

My attempt at a joke dies, my shuffle only seems to make your question louder.

' I am serious, lets go now, no more shall we's? or dreams planned never to be filled. Let's go now'

You take my hand, my heart beats madly, my breath stops, it is madness.

But, and here I begin to wonder! The first thoughts forming into realistic ideas.

' Now?' I run my fingers through my hair, a habit I always do when I'm nervous or thinking.

You take my hand, I follow you, no laughter now. But my feet follow the path besides yours.

In my hand I have my phone, the message is typed onto the keypad. My future rests on these next moments. You have a similar message on yours, your future waits in the balance too. I get into the car, you look at me, ignition key waiting. We look at each other. Now we both say, and press send.

Twin messages sent, two phones beep into life. We look at each other and open the new messages. Too late to take them back now.

Yes' twin replies sent in return. Answers to our questions. Will you marry me now? The car pulls out and heads towards Scotland. We don't even know if Gretna Green still does quick marriages. But we are on our way to find out...

part 2

We were still on the heights of our euphoria, we both burned with a need that had to be satisfied. This was the next step in this relationship of impulses. The evening was an easy night and the roads were clear, at one point a fine drizzle seemed to coat everything with a slick layer. But we barely noticed anything but each other.

' I wonder what Gretna Green is like? ' I asked. ' I thought only young lovers got hitched there now.

I switched tracks onto something I preferred, and he didn't stop me. I told myself, I had a right to be here, in his car, choosing the music.  He kept his eyes on the road, a smooth driver, he answered me, ' hm it's still there, but anyone can marry, you just need a license '

Neither of us really knew if the place still existed, we were just rushing away from reality. But felt for the first time that we were embracing life. Gretna Green was the thing that had made our minds up, but neither of us were in a position to marry, we just simply snatched at the dream of finally being together.

We seemed to have have been driving for ages, and we were both tiring. I felt if we stopped, the moment would be paused, and we would be catapulted into stark realism. Finally even small talk dried up and we settled into a companionable silence. My stomach grumbled at the lack of food. My appetite never let me down, no matter the chaos I found myself in.  

Ahead of us a hotel. You looked at me ' Shall we stop? '

' Yes, and besides I need the ladies ' You smiled and said ' Your nose is perfectly powdered '

I laughed breaking the tension that seemed to be lurking, on the edge of us.

' Nothing wrong with old fashioned manners ' it was a throw back to the joking we had begun with. And the old fashioned way of courting that we had mimicked. When we had begun our very own brief encounter.

I sat in the car while you booked us in, we had decided to stay the night. We had things to do, before we could truly move on. While I waited, I absently twisted the gold band around my finger. I felt the vibration of my phone but left it. Finally you returned. We were in an annexe, I was grateful for that. I hadn't wanted to walk into a hotel and be your pretend wife.

We picked up our things, there wasn't much luggage, my handbag and your briefcase. And let ourselves into the room. Now we had to finish this chapter. We both had, though we hadn't thought it at the time of our impulse, we now had the hardest thing of all to do.

Grey coloured my life, I was quite simply heartbroken. The why, or how didn't matter any more to me, all that did was that I was alone. The will to make something of myself, had gone, and so I wreathed my heart and soul in ashes.

My life lay before me barren, and here in this place I embraced my sadness.  I lay down in my bower, wrapped dulled petals upon me, and broken thorns around my door. If I lived within a fairytale, this would be the beauty who slept.

But life wasn't made up of tales. Nor was I a beauty, and though my spirit dimmed, I did not sleep.

The cool night took me outside, I needed air, not people, just air. The breeze from the river fell upon my face, the touch of it revitalising me. Voices could be heard, laughter and people having a good time. I walked away from that.

Finally I stood on the bridge, I watched the moonlight glisten and shine, from the depths below. An old fashioned lamp, poured its amber light upon me. I began to breathe at last. My sadness would always be part of me, death is able to do that, in the way that a separation never can. I would always remember him at that age, at that time. But now as I dropped the petals, and peeled the grey from my heart, I knew I would begin to live again.

Home and a new inner peace took care of me.

***************

The following week I stood on the bridge again, my bravery at my night visits amazed even me. I feared no one now. So lonely dark walks had no power to put me into captivity. I walked if I wanted to and perhaps a small part of me even craved a little danger.

"It's colder tonight isn't it? " His voice talked to me, from the darkness.

Turning around I couldn't see him, so turned back to the water below.  Beside me I felt his presence, hands holding onto the bricks he leaned forward, looking into the depths below, now drawing my attention to him. I watched him but felt no sense of fear from him.

"Yes it is" the words danced on the night air, as I left him.

**************

The following week he was there before me. "I saved you a brick" he pointed to the brick and moved his arm from within its area.

I couldn't help but smile. "Thankyou" though was all I said. And so we both stood, side by side, listening to the night sounds, watching the river and its silvery journey it made, on its way under the bridge. We stood there for about an hour, the coldness of the night gradually finding it's way in through my coat. Then we went our separate ways.

*************

The next week and it was raining heavily. My feelings of sadness tonight were deep upon me. I wasn't sure if it was the rain, but I knew I couldn't stay in. So armed with my umbrella I set off. There he was, stood in the rain, waiting, standing back I watched him for a short while. He looked at his watch, wiped rain from his face, looked both ways to see if anyone was coming, but still he waited.

I walked and stood beside him, the tension seemed to flow from him, he seemed relieved. The brolly was held over both of us but we were both soaking. This seemed a little stupid now but I could tell he didn't want to leave me, and I didn't want to leave him either.

" Would you like a cup of tea? " I really hoped he said yes.

"I thought you would never ask" And so we took hands, he held the brolly and we walked as quick as we could to my flat. It was as though I knew him and yet I didn't. But that night I asked him in and made him tea. We both sat in my kitchen in our damp clothes. And we laughed like I hadn't laughed in years. Then he stood and said it was time to go. And he went.

It was after he had gone that I realised I didn't know his name, nor he mine.

**********

He was waiting by the bridge the following week, by now I expected he would there.

"Are you coming?" I asked, my breath crystallizing before me. Winter was on its way.

He smiled and walked towards me. We went back to my flat "looks like we just made it" I said as the heavens opened again, and rain seemed to lash against the windows. It was electric in all ways, and so we kissed against a backdrop of dramatic weather and high expectation.

Our passion took us from the hall into the bed sit, there wasn't really much space, but we filled it with heat. Our clothes lay were they fell, god I wanted him so much, greedily I pulled his clothes from him. We fell onto the bed, felt the buttons pop on his shirt, felt his hands under mine, until we were just skin on skin. He entered me and the lightening flashed, I pulled him deeper into me. Finally his thrusts told me he was finished, as mine met his in perfect timing.

We had been so impatient and the light remained off. Reaching across I went to switch it on, his hand stopped mine. "Wait, I should have told you, but I didn't know how to, and now it has happened" I heard the anguish in his voice, and so I remained silent and let him continue.

When he had finished, I leant across and turned the light on, it wasn't a bright light, it shone with a gold glow on the ceiling, the uplight was fine, it didn't glare. I looked at him, at his wonderful body, I could tell he worked out, but the scarring ran from his shoulders, down his chest and across his waist. His legs were scarred too, but to me he looked wonderful. I didn't know what to say, or how to say, so I  kissed him on his marked skin. I traced my hands down his body and up to his perfect face.

He was tense, I could tell he was ready to spring from the bed and I knew I would never see him again. So I said " By the way my name is Laura, I don't think I know yours"  I lay down beside him and felt him slowly, only very slowly unwind a little. "I'm Tim" Was all he said.

"right I make tea or coffee this time, next time its your turn" I slipped my dressing gown on, when I returned with the tea he was dressed.

************

Summer time has now reached me, I no longer feel the ashes of grey. I run with life and enjoy it as much as I can. Tonight I walk to the bridge, I take my usual place and wait. I hear the gentle sounds of summer, further in town there is the sound of calypso music playing. But this is my brick, I wait here but you didn't come again. No explanation, no why or what, after that night I didn't see you again.

My phone beeps with its familiar tone, "alright I'm nearly there" I end the call, take a last look but I am still alone. I shrug and walk towards town. The music is getting louder and I see my friends, a couple are hanging outside of the pub waiting for me. As I walk towards them, I notice a man with them, for a moment my heart skips a beat. But no it isn't you. The call of the night pulls me in and I embrace the atmosphere wholeheartedly, time for me to party.

On the other side of the river, he has watched her again, and for more nights than he cares to remember. She walks away and then he after watching the last of her, slowly melts back into the woodland.

Well no amount of putting if off will work. 

I am trying hard not to embrace the usual frenzy that ascends during the season of Christmas goodwill. Calm and serene I tell myself, as I realise that yes- it is that time of the year again, and it's time to hit the shops!

The shops so near to xmas are not for the faint-hearted, but I bit the bullet and set of with my daughter. It wasn't exactly filled with manic, stressed people, that is a bit away yet, but it was extremely busy. People always seem so determined and decisive in what they are buying, or searching for. While I flit from shop to shop, hoping that inspiration will hit me on the head, and suddenly I will know exactly what everyone would love for xmas!

Hmm this year I had a plan, I had it worked out, who was getting what. And where we were going for said things. Well I kind of had a plan, hmm actually it was my daughter. Used to me being unable to make my mind up, and being of a dithery nature, she had worked out what I wanted and miracles, of miracles, where we would get them.

I can't believe how grown up she now is, or how organised. I had ten pressy's bought and she had all hers bought too, well the ones on her list. And we were back home again in 2 and half hours. I am amazed, impressed and calm. Not the usual mad, frazzled creature, with feet all bloodied from hours of walking, and nothing in my bags to show for hours upon hours of severely stressed xmas shopping.

I have decided, this godsend and paragon that is my daughter, should be patented and rented out for stress free shopping, and to top it all off, she makes a cup of tea when you get home :)

So I have been tagged and now I have to think of 6 weird things about me. You are then supposed to pass it onto 6 other people, sounds a bit like those chain things, or maybe it's that I don't have 6 to send to lol. Anyway here goes.

1. I can sit or dance , I can even do both together , while listening to the same song, over and over again. I have to have music playing and if it is, I cannot keep still.
2. I absolutely hate taking my coat/jacket of in public.
3. I can be in a crowded place or amid mayhem and not see anybody.
4. I create stories in my head, no matter where I am, and can see worlds within world's, my family think I'm mad for it. I become so absorbed in things and what I am seeing, that I forget everything else.
5. I need absolute darkness to sleep.
6. I'm fascinated by the myth of vampirism and anything to do with vampires.

That's about it, I didn't mention the paranoid fear I have of moths. As far as I am concerned butterflies are only moths with prettier clothes. I didn't count it because I am paranoid if I do, that a whole flock, hoard, gaggle, army...will descend upon me, and drive me madly insane, or kill me horrifically,  with their horrible fuzzy bodies and those awful wings, that flap at you. I think that my fear of them goes beyond weird. Oh another thing I have is to keep to what I am supposed to be doing, the list said 6 and I as usual did more lol.

These weird confessions are a psychologist's open door to your psyche :)