Happiness is not even thinking about being happy, or what makes you happy, but just knowing you are. Is anyone truly happy, and does the thinking of it make you realise you are less happier than you thought. Maybe if I think I am sad, then I will realise that I am in actual fact less sad than I imagined, and am half way to the illusive happy state of being.

Happiness is realising what you have is better, than what you don’t.

 I thought I was seeing things today when I saw red bananas, but they do exist, shows what a narrow life I live! Am I the only person who has never seen them before?

So I am having a taste of the exotic when I eat one of these. See I do try different things, today I will be trying out a red banana. Will it make me happy? I will let yu know...

 Happiness is trying something new.

Sometimes the pull of sadness, the feelings of depression are so strong that they seem to colour your whole life. But today, I wasn’t feeling depressed, just down at the thought that things will never be right. That the diagnosis of an underactive thyroid is like a wash of emptiness, of grey making my days sullied, instead of clean and bright.

I know this is temporary, that medication will soon make me right again, but the days drag into weeks, and the weeks into months, until I eventually have forgotten how it is to feel alive. Take your health for granted at your own peril.

Happiness seemed to have faded from my life, erased for good. Until I began looking at photographs, they nudged my mind, teased memories until I remembered snippets of time, laughter forgotten, fun moments, the pure bliss of absolute happiness-so much so that I used to feel as though I would burst if I felt any happier.

Happiness is: The power of lost, forgotten memories that have been trapped beneath life experiences. Suddenly feeling the peeling away of grey, revealing golden moments, golden glimmers of images from the past, and feeling the memory ignite once again in a deadened brain.

I woke this morning with grey clouds strangling me, darkness wrapped tightly around me, and I just wanted to sink deeper into it. I felt so sad. Happiness is illusive, so easy for it to slip away. The line between sadness and happiness is narrow, trip up and you tumble from one into the other, without even noticing that you have crossed the line.

Happiness is- waking to misery, and not even realising when the misery has slipped away, without you even noticing it. The gentle touch of happiness unaware.

It’s raining today, but in my pursuit of happiness I am not minding it at all. I have to go out later, and the thought of wet clothes, and standing at bus-stops was enough to shrivel up any fragment of joy that may be lingering.

But and I don’t usually put videos on my blog, just listening to the J Lo song-Hold it don’t drop it that I have uploaded, just makes me want to dance, and the memory of dancing makes me feel that fluttery feeling I used to get, when a song is played that you just have to dance to.

Happiness is the anticipation of doing something that makes you feel alive.

I am feeling the same way today, happy and excited but I realise I may sound as though I am having an extreme, emotional moment. I was asked why so gay? and asked without the slightest intonation of camp! No one said, 'oh what a gay day' or teased me in an old fashioned way.

But a feeling of gaiety is usually the cause of something.

So I have to admit I do have a reason for my wonderful mood. I am to venture, or embark on an adventure to the Lakes. Now the rain cannot spoil my mood, nor can it take any of the edge from what it will be. It's a place I have never seen, and even the Lakes in rain shrouded weather, will I dare say have its own beauty. But if that isn't enough.

I am staying in a delightful looking, small B&B with a huge four poster bed, and a two-person spa bath. So my eyes are twinkling, my heart skips a dizzy beat, and my feet ache to tread where poets and writers have tread before me. And after that, I long to stretch out upon the huge bed and just chill.

Today It was my day, I had a sleep in, and then lazily had breakfast in bed. I read, then had a super long bath, and shopped for makeup online, before finalising my Avon order. I ate chocolate, but not too much,  and watched the last episode of Rome series2.

I thought about changing my life, mapped out the main ideas to achieve this. Realised it is not an overnight thing, but that it will be a mere thought, unless I make it real. Things need motion to happen, or they remain stagnant and die.

So I mixed in with my day, a short period spent on my exercise bike. I looked out of the kitchen window, yes my bike moves rooms, and now is in the kitchen. I switch my radio on and look out and imagine I am anywhere but there. Then talked for ages to my sister on the phone, then came online and did the surfing thing.

My day is far from over, Tudors on TV, Law & order- SVU, & then my book about Queen Esther-the concubine who ended up a queen. It hasn't been a wildly exciting day, but I realise it has been a good day.

Wet outside, dreary and grey- though the blue peeking through dark clouds made it worthwhile having to go outside. It was strangely warm, and my walking coat kept me dry. Everywhere looked shiny and polished, though wet. With fallen leaves a sign of the next season to come.

Before this though, talking to my daughter on the telephone (who now lives a couple of miles away) it was dry if not sunshiny. The rain hit her before it found its way to me. Serve me right I thought , I had put off collecting my Avon brochures- weak excuses now ensured a soaking.

Not a very glamorous woman who collected said brochures, though the feel of fresh air on my face and the excitement of orders made it all worth while. My headaches are still playing hide and seek, and they find me no matter how I try and avoid them.

Real life rarely meets the excitement of fiction, and the living of it is sometimes monotonous. But a day without a headache is a blessing, a day with a mind that is able to see the blue sky from the grey is doubly so.

Feeling grey today. Shift the thoughts that threaten to descend, trying to hold on to those little flashes of expectation. Orders mean commission, which means makeup for me. See good out of bad...and the certainty that tomorrow will be an even better day.

Life is strange sometimes, today I spent the day with my daughter and found it very surreal. She got engaged on Christmas day. I haven't stopped to catch my breath yet, at the news. It seems like yesterday when life was so dark for her, that it was hard to imagine her being grown up, never mind thinking of marriage.

But sat with her and feeling the happy, if a little scared, vibes radiating from her while browsing wedding sites was decidedly surreal. Yes we were looking at wedding dresses, and I have to say I went all soppy.

New year 2000, I held her as we watched the fireworks from the balcony of our previous house. She said to me "what hope is there for me mum?" I answered her with" there is always hope, you sometimes just don't see it" That night I didn't tell her that I didn't believe my own words, they were merely said to comfort her. Now I think I can finally begin to believe them myself.

I think 2008 is going to be a good year, in fact it's going to be a great year...

The engagement party is in a month, the wedding still ages off- the summer of 2009. Tomorrow I go back to slimming class, I now how a positive goal to aim for. It's funny how life can turn a corner and you can go from darkness to light, I feel that thrill that expectation and anticipation can bring. My daughter is not the only one that is looking forward to what life will bring.