Marie's Journal

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(Monday)

One of my favourite places is Scarborough. Just back from a week there, I rediscovered my love of the seaside, and reminded myself of parts of it that I had forgotten.

The photos are from my phone so not the best quality, but they captured the places I have enjoyed for many years.

Here I am in front of the clock-tower on the south side. The sun was shining but not too much, though the wind played havoc with my hair. It was nearly a perfect day. It felt like I was sitting on top of the world, looking down onto the nearly empty part of Scarborough that most don’t know is there.

Knowing that love doesn’t hurt, and that being in love is the best feeling in the world. No Pain, NO heartache, just the security of feeling overwhelmed, and deeply caught up with the emotion that is love.

No Tears, if not tears of joy. No pain unless it’s the thought of the loss of you. No jealousy or envy, just security that our love will always remain.

Passion, sexual and emotional, shared with an audience of you and me. Imagination, dreams, thought both pure and dark , and the knowledge that we will always remain deeply in love.

No sadness when we are apart, heartfelt we know we are always one. Distance means nothing, love travels thoughts, feelings and miles, even space that eyes closed can cross.

I love you. Words rushed, the feeling never is…

Happiness is not even thinking about being happy, or what makes you happy, but just knowing you are. Is anyone truly happy, and does the thinking of it make you realise you are less happier than you thought. Maybe if I think I am sad, then I will realise that I am in actual fact less sad than I imagined, and am half way to the illusive happy state of being.

Happiness is realising what you have is better, than what you don’t.

The unexpected, the unknown, a gift not asked for, from somewhere a little off the edge. The thrill, excitement, the rush of heat that an unexpected parcel can bring. Holding a package, box, envelope, with your name on the address label, and the pause before revealing its secret.

The gorgeous warm glow, that a bunch of flowers given with love can invoke. The scent, the image, the feeling, that can be recalled again and again, on seeing them. Roses from a wedding bouquet, or a fabulous date. Daffodils or dandelions clumped together held tightly in a child’s hand…

From jewellery, to blush worthy things. From music bought or taped, to theatre tickets. From a beauty treatment, to a massage from the person you desire.

Tantalising, and thrilling, not just the mind but the body too. I love, love, love surprises however big or small ;)

Happiness is the getting of gifts, the giving is a whole different feeling.

 I thought I was seeing things today when I saw red bananas, but they do exist, shows what a narrow life I live! Am I the only person who has never seen them before?

So I am having a taste of the exotic when I eat one of these. See I do try different things, today I will be trying out a red banana. Will it make me happy? I will let yu know...

 Happiness is trying something new.

I had a great time at the new hair salon yesterday, well posh ones are salons, this is a one man hair studio with one trainee. And I have to say, one of the most enjoyable hours I have spent in a while. Great hairstyle, easy to manage but similar to what I usually have, layers and touching my shoulders. Feels so much lighter, and very swishy. I was very impressed, and he actually got me talking, a rare thing with me lately.

One funny moment that happened, was he had spent ages blow-drying it, with just enough volume, so it wasn’t flat to my head. When I had a hot flush of mammoth proportions, damn this menopause! So there was I bright red, with water streaming down my face. I was so embarrassed, I said ‘damn!’ he just smiled and, quick as anything said ‘well there goes your root lift’ He handed me a towel, saying to wipe the cut hair that had fallen on me. An awkward moment, handled with tact and humour.

I was happy with the service, the hairstyle, but even happier that he asked would I be his model for hair-colour. So I get a free colour (I can pick my own colours), and he makes an educational aid, for using new Tigi colours (new to his salon.) The only thing is, I can’t colour my hair before it, so those grey bits will just have to stay grey for now. But as I haven’t been feeling too vibrant lately, my yearning for a vibrant hair colour can wait a couple of weeks.

Happiness is having fun, genuinely good people, feeling good, and getting something for nothing :)

Sometimes the pull of sadness, the feelings of depression are so strong that they seem to colour your whole life. But today, I wasn’t feeling depressed, just down at the thought that things will never be right. That the diagnosis of an underactive thyroid is like a wash of emptiness, of grey making my days sullied, instead of clean and bright.

I know this is temporary, that medication will soon make me right again, but the days drag into weeks, and the weeks into months, until I eventually have forgotten how it is to feel alive. Take your health for granted at your own peril.

Happiness seemed to have faded from my life, erased for good. Until I began looking at photographs, they nudged my mind, teased memories until I remembered snippets of time, laughter forgotten, fun moments, the pure bliss of absolute happiness-so much so that I used to feel as though I would burst if I felt any happier.

Happiness is: The power of lost, forgotten memories that have been trapped beneath life experiences. Suddenly feeling the peeling away of grey, revealing golden moments, golden glimmers of images from the past, and feeling the memory ignite once again in a deadened brain.

I woke this morning with grey clouds strangling me, darkness wrapped tightly around me, and I just wanted to sink deeper into it. I felt so sad. Happiness is illusive, so easy for it to slip away. The line between sadness and happiness is narrow, trip up and you tumble from one into the other, without even noticing that you have crossed the line.

Happiness is- waking to misery, and not even realising when the misery has slipped away, without you even noticing it. The gentle touch of happiness unaware.

It’s raining today, but in my pursuit of happiness I am not minding it at all. I have to go out later, and the thought of wet clothes, and standing at bus-stops was enough to shrivel up any fragment of joy that may be lingering.

But and I don’t usually put videos on my blog, just listening to the J Lo song-Hold it don’t drop it that I have uploaded, just makes me want to dance, and the memory of dancing makes me feel that fluttery feeling I used to get, when a song is played that you just have to dance to.

Happiness is the anticipation of doing something that makes you feel alive.